


can i haz cheezburger

by kingofpentacles



Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Crack, Don't Examine This Too Closely, How Do I Tag, Humor, I Was High When I Wrote This, M/M, Memes, Sarcasm, Slow Burn, Swearing, Teasing, Texting, Unconventional Format, just for fun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-20
Updated: 2020-10-20
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:46:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27122008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kingofpentacles/pseuds/kingofpentacles
Summary: It’s 2012, and cat memes are all the rage. Near likes them. Mello does not.
Relationships: Mello | Mihael Keehl/Near | Nate River
Comments: 10
Kudos: 49





	can i haz cheezburger

**Author's Note:**

> this was borne of a random dream i had where mello had a serious personal feud with the "can i haz cheezburger" cat. idk where that came from but the deep recesses of my mind decided to put it out there and thus, this fic was born. 
> 
> just a little fun thing before i finish up this other pwp i'm working on!! :3
> 
> ... means time change of a few hours  
> // mean time change of a few days or maybe a week

  
  


_Show this to Matt._

What? 

Is this Near?

_Yes_. 

What the hell is that? If you want to talk to Matt, just get Rester to email him or something. Don’t go through me. 

_It’s a meme._

I get that. 

_It’s funny. Show Matt, he’ll like it._

Right. Because he hacks, you think he’ll enjoy a picture of a cat on a computer. 

_Clearly_. 

I’m making fun of you, dipshit. Why didn’t you just send it to Matt and avoid this whole conversation? Don’t make me block you. It wouldn’t be conducive to the investigation. 

_Did he not like it?_

He didn’t think it was that funny. 

_Are you lying?_

God, you’re just as bossy as you were when we were children.

Yeah, fine, he liked it. 

_I’m glad. Although I thought you weren’t supposed to take the lord’s name in vain._

Don’t fucking lecture me about that. You don’t know shit. Don’t text me unless it’s an emergency. Just because we’re working together now doesn’t mean we’re friends. 

//

  
  
  


What the fuck?

Is this an emergency? 

_No, it’s a meme._

That’s not even funny. 

_It is to me._

Probably because you have a shitty sense of humor. Don’t make this a habit. 

//

  


Why is it worded like that? 

_The cat is the narrator._

Obviously. I’m just saying that I don’t think it’s that funny. And if cats could talk, they wouldn’t talk like that.

_It’s meant to be more relatable than funny, I think._

Huh. 

  


See, that’s funny. I might have actually laughed at that if I was a shameless person. Fortunately, I have a good personality and I don’t laugh at shitty pictures of cats. 

_Right._

//

Yeah, not funny. 

_What are the parameters for a funny cat meme?_

A joke has to be involved, obviously. 

_So not this?_

Obviously not. What the hell is the joke? That it’s asking for a cheeseburger? What’s funny about that, Near?

_I didn’t really think it was funny, just cute._

You think it’s CUTE?

_What’s wrong with that?_

It’s not cute, it’s annoying.

_We have different opinions, then. That’s not surprising._

Shut up.

...

Hey, I found one. 

  
  


Looks like you. 

_No it doesn’t._

Matt says it does. 

_It’s a cat._

Yeah, but it looks like you on your tenth birthday. Remember that one? At Wammy’s? You were allergic to something in the cake and you couldn’t even eat it.

_Of course I remember. After the party, I went to play by myself and you had completely destroyed my tower. I’d been working on it for days._

Yeah. Sorry about that. 

...

Near?

i'm going to regret this, but..

  


_Mello, I’m delighted. I love it._

Fuck off. Were you asleep or something?

_Yes. Sorry._

_I’m not sure if you’re actually supposed to communicate with them, but I’m glad you like them. And no, I’m not mad._

I don’t like them, I’m just trying to use your language. Why aren’t you mad? 

_It was one card tower, and it was years ago. Why would I be mad at you?_

You worked really hard on it. 

_Do you want me to be mad at you?_

Obviously not.

_I’m not._

Fine. 

…

  


_This one looks like you._

Oh for fuck’s sake. 

//

_This is exciting. I’m learning so much researching these new catchphrases. I finkz I’m becomin fluent in lolcat :3_

Near, I need you to know that I automatically crossed myself when I saw this. 

_Lulz x3_

Ugh, don’t do that. 

You don’t have to tell me when you laugh, but seriously don’t tell me in your new language. Though it is nice to know that you’re laughing, since I haven’t ever seen you do it. 

  


Near, fucking quit that already. 

_It’s fun. And you most definitely have seen me laugh._

Can’t remember. 

_We’ve known each other for years, Mello._

Haven’t seen you for most of them, though. In the seven years I’ve known you, five years in a row I didn’t see or talk to you. 

_That doesn’t matter. You remembered me, right?_

I guess. Why do you care?

  


Near, I swear to GOD...

_Did you miss me? While we were apart._

Near.. it’s different now. It’s about competition. I need to beat you, you understand that, right? That’s more important than anything else. And it’s definitely more important than a childhood friend’s feelings. 

_What is there to beat me at? Kira is going to be caught by all of us, together and fighting as one. Mello, nobody is watching and judging us. Who are you performing for?_

Don’t psychoanalyze me, Near. 

_You used to call me Nate. You’ve called me my alias three times in the last two minutes. Are you mocking me, or is it genuine? Are you trying not to call me what you used to?_

Fuck off. 

//

__

_This is how I felt when Yagami died:_

I think Kira would hate that his death was commemorated with a lolcat meme. Excellent job, Nate.

Do you want to come over? Matt and I are watching a movie and getting drunk to celebrate. 

_Sounds delightful, but no thank you._

_…_

Near. nate. Are u mad at me? I'm sorry I left you behind

_Are you intoxicated?_

Haha yeah. Sorry. Are you mad at me?

_...Mello, I’m not talking to you like this. But for the record.. No, I don’t think so. Not anymore. Drink some water and go to bed. We can talk tomorrow._

…

I'm so sorry. 

_I forgive you._

I'm sorry for everything, I mean. 

_I forgive you._

_//_

Do you want to come over tonight? 

..Great.

//

Matt and I are watching some car movie tonight. Do you want to come over?

_Yes._

…

Does Matt look annoyed to you? 

_Not really._

Be fucking SUBTLE about checking him out, Near. He almost caught you.

I think he knows.

  
  


I mean, I think that he thinks we're together. 

_Are we?_

Can we be?

I just mean, we've been enemies for so long. 

_Mello, I have thought of you as many things throughout my life, but not once have I considered you an enemy. Kira was my enemy. You, Mello, are my childhood friend and sweetheart, a close companion, a lover, a competitor, and a confidant. The word enemy doesn't come close to my mind when I think of you. Of course we can be together. If you're worried about Matt's disapproval, I can say fairly certainly that he'll be overjoyed for us._

I can't believe you would make me cry in the middle of Fast and Furious. 

_I forgot how sensitive you are._

__

_I love you, Mello._

//

Hey, look what I found.

  


It's us.   
  


**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed! if so pls leave kudos or comment so i know <3
> 
> p.s. if u have a suggestion for a pwp fic tell me in the comments n i'll write it for u cuz im bored in quarantine lolz ;)


End file.
